California Scheming

Many of you probably remember me as the scrawny weakling of a few years ago. For the record, I preferred to think of myself as svelte, with cat-like agility. Anyway, after settling into the comfort of marriage and frequent binge-eating with the ladies on girl’s night, I started to gain a little weight. Then I got pregnant and proceeded to gain a LOT of weight (43 pounds to be exact).

Since giving birth to baby Noah I’ve managed to take off 23 pounds of it. And my friends and parents are all feeding me the usual, “You look great. I like you better at this weight anyway.” You know, the reassurance that you look to your girlfriends and mom for…SO like a damn fool I decided to ask my husband if he also liked me better at this weight. I got the following response: (looooong pause) “….sure.” To which I, of course, asked what the pause meant and he said, “Well, maybe you could loose a little more off the belly.” WHAT!?!?!?!?!

Apparently my sweet and naive husband did not understand that you NEVER answer that kind of question with an honest answer. I mean, come on, who does he think he’s married to – he knows I’m an insecure neurotic, right?

For future reference, dear husband, here are some appropriate responses to these sorts of questions:

Q: Are my boobs too small?

A: No way! Big boobs are gross! I LOVE that yours are petite (not small). If they were any bigger I really couldn’t soak in all that sexiness.

Q: Do these jeans make me look fat?

A: Fat? Not at all – that outfit pretty much calls for a muffin top. It’d look weird without one!

Q: Is she hotter than me?

A: Than you? How could you even say that? That supermodel looks like a piece of dog crap compared to you baby.

That’s right – lie to me!!! Save yourself the trouble.

Moral of the story: Lies are good for relationships. They’re pretty much the bedrock of all successful marriages. That’s my message to you, dear friends. You’re welcome.

Follow-up: Shawn walked in on me showering this morning and said, “Wow, you look tiny. I can really tell that you’ve lost weight” That a boy. Keep the b.s. coming!

Yesterday we celebrated Christmas over at my parent’s place. For those of you who don’t know, they’re spending their winters out here in an RV in the Santa Ana Mountains. It’s in the Cleveland National Forest and it’s GORGEOUS out there. I’ll have to do a photo shoot soon and post the pictures.

Anyway, we had a great Christmas and I’m so happy that my parents got to be here for Noah’s first one. My parents totally spoiled us and baby Noah. They got him some toys (including a Thomas the Train set that my mom swears he’ll be crazy about in a couple of years), some bathing stuff, and books. I’m trying to build up his library so this was perfect! Here’s what they hooked us up with:

1. The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter

2. Company’s Coming: A Passover Lift-the-Flap Book by Joan Holub

3. Noah’s Bed by Lis and Jim Coplestone

4. On Noah’s Ark by Jan Brett

I love that they included some Jewish stuff (the Passover book) and books that include his name. Very adorable. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa!

We spent the afternoon eating a delicious vegan meal that my mom made especially for Shawn, opening presents, playing Trivial Pursuit (a gift from my parents to us), and lavishing attention on the baby. It was great!

We just wrapped up Noah’s first Hanukkah. We didn’t do a whole lot for it…For the first night we had my parents and grandma, a neighbor, and some of Shawn’s friends over to light candles and have some food. For the rest of the week we lit candles every night and I got him a little stuffed gorilla. He has so much and is too young to really care, so we kept it low-key. We’ll have to be more festive next year, I suppose. I did decorate the house a little bit though, so that’s an improvement over the last couple of years.

We’re going to do Christmas with my family this week. I have to admit that I’m a fan of Christmas over Hanukkah – not for any religous reasons, just because I like the whole Christmas tree, Santa Claus, elves, and reindeer thing. I keep telling Shawn that Hanukkah would be a lot cooler if it had better marketing and a fat man to break into your house with presents for little kids…in a totally non-creepy kind of way. Offensive? Perhaps. I’m sure he thanks G-d that he married a shiksa EVERY SINGLE day of his life.

Anyway, I’m really glad that my parents are out here to celebrate the holidays with this year. AND my dad is starting to hate being forced to spend his winters in Southern California less. So that’s truly a Hanukkah/Christmas miracle!

I wish that we could spend the holidays with the rest of my family too. Maybe one day. But at least this year I’m not feeling all depressed and homesick!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah everyone! We miss you!

Pinto (aka Noah) is doing great! Like his mom, he’s a huge eater and has quickly been putting on weight (he’s over 8 pounds now). He’s still a night owl, preferring to sleep all day and keep mommy awake all night. I’m hoping to break him of this habit soon. He also thinks he’s Zoolander and has been coming up with some hilarious faces lately. Seriously – I could keep myself entertained for hours just watching the array of facial expressions my son has in his arsenal. He’s learned to smile and it’s so damn precious.

He also makes the most adorable noises – little squeaks and groans and laughing sounds. I love listening to him. But, hell, I even think it’s adorable when he farts so I may be biased.

AND it’s his one month birthday tomorrow! Happy Birthday Pinto!!!